Effexor and 30

I stopped Effexor in the middle of law school, November 2005. I could not afford to buy it anymore because I do not have health insurance, and my credit cards are all maxed out from books and living in New York City. Can all you Ex-Effs imagine what its like to be coming down off Effexor while trying to study for law school exams and circumnavigate all the city? I almost punched a hobo who who would not leave me alone, and followed me for two blocks. I would not have handled it that way but I became so paranoid he was after me.

The withdrawal reached a crescendo just as exams were about to begin. I cracked up. I saw conspiracies and decay, wars, destroyed cities and law school stress. My own debt crushing me; credit cards maxed out. Consumer debt in America threatening prosperity. Whether you agree or not, in my Effexor-paranoia I felt like I was being choked just when The New York Times wrote an obituary for New Orleans. I felt I was being swept up in history, becoming a negative statistic and an unseen part of a broader problem.

I was in so much psychological pain, and I only focused on everything negative. For an entire day I did not move out of a chair. I had no idea what was happening to me. "Is this it? Is this how crazy people finally go?" I was so scared my greatest fear of losing control of my emotional faculties was wanting its day of reckoning.

It felt so apocalyptic. I wrote blogs on all the wrongs I saw in the world, the ones that seemed to be laying in the same bed with me at night. I broke down crying, bawling, shaking, in front of a professor. Thankfully she was one of the human ones - the ones who saw someone in pain and offered a hand.

The school postponed my exams on me. I could not study - I did not even look at my books. I saw them as oppressors, which bothered me because I loved school and had always taken continuing education. Many law students feel this way, but I can't describe the heights it reached as my brain shivered and I cried in anguish daily.

I didn't pick up a book, yet I made an A, B+, B+ and B- on exams that required curves. That may sound good, but it was not good enough to be what I needed to land the big firm job I needed to help pay my debt.

I wish I could say my family stuck by me, but my mother, a wealthy socialite out west, accused me of having a drug problem. This is because I tried to confront her about popping amphetamines so much, and now she was paying me back as I scrambled to get hold of my emotional state. I so needed her to help anchor me, and she simply refused and then took a turn at me. We no longer speak. I changed my number last week and started a new e-mail address.

Effexor withdrawal was horrific. I embarrassed myself publicly in my school so often, because my emotions were so out of whack, that it was nothign short of degrading. Especially as sanity has returned.

The good news? I have been off Effexor and taking nothing now for going on six months, and I feel great. Effexor, I did not need you, or not longer do. Whatever it is, you'll never be back.

And as I struggle to finish school and pay rent, I now do so feeling liberated from a mother who will never be the person I want her to be. Her relationship and divorce from my father was too bitter; it wrought too many insecurities in her. She thought she'd take them out on his son. If only that son had not needed his mom so much, even at thirty.

So many friends whose relationships I had cultivated, cared for over years - 10, 12 - disappeared as it seemed like I was actually losing it. When the chips are down you find out who your friends are; when the team is losing you find out the true fans. I found I had few friends and fans, and that was a painful thing to discover.

I have started a new life, and I have shed everyone who said they would be there if I ever needed them, and then never answered their cell phones. E-mails unanswered, text messages about how busy you are....goodbye. Because I needed you guys, and had it been you I would have been there with whatever. I *was* there with whatever many times.

Few people know how to find me now. I did not even say goodbye to those luke-warm friends, the ones who sung my praises when I picked up bar tabs back when I had a good job. They weren't there to pick me up off my bedroom floor when I so desperately needed it. Effexor, you may have raped me, but I will be stronger for it. You showed me I can only rely upon myself.

In addition to reading and perhaps learning from these comments, you also need to understand the hidden energies that control your life right now.

I almost feel guilty because my life has become so enjoyable and so easy. Especially since I remember how miserable I used to be.

Basically it comes down to making one slight shift in what you do everyday, and you can watch in amazement as your life slowly begins to start working out in almost every way.

It's such an important change that I've written a complete e-book about it. And I'd like to give you a copy for free. All you have to do is write your first name and primary email address into the space below, and you'll be receiving a link to download the e-book right away.

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